By Kaleo George, Foster Parent
The weather here in Colorado is cooling down and fall seems to be upon us. This change in seasons reminds me that “The Holidays” (why are there so many packed right in there together?!) are right around the corner. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love the opportunities for gathering friends and family together, for dressing up and being silly, for gift giving and receiving and yet hate the pressure of being a “Pinterest Perfect” parent. The struggle is true for all families, I think, but it’s definitely a reality when you’re a foster or adoptive parent of a child who has experienced trauma.
Several years ago, when my bio kids were toddlers, I had the brilliant idea to come up with a schedule of activities to do every day in December leading up to Christmas Day. I put some effort into this one…got out the glitter, made the garland, and hung it proudly in our dining room. My husband was all in with me and took beautiful photos of all our “connecting” activities.
I even remember the compliment from a friend who said “Can you take my kids too? I want to be you when I grow up.” That felt pretty darn good. Don’t get me wrong: All five of us have some fond memories from this month of family activities, and the activity from Day 7 stuck and became a yearly tradition. What didn’t feel good was the exhaustion of too many late nights with cranky, crying toddlers (and sometimes parents) from piling in TOO. MUCH. STUFF. I can’t imagine doing this again as a foster parent. Last year I tried for one activity a week, and even that proved to be difficult.
Our goal as foster and adoptive parents is a simple thought, but it takes intentionality to execute:
I bought this sign from Hobby Lobby a few years ago as a reminder for our family. My husband says it stresses him out with all of the arrows flying around. I kind of like it for that reason. It’s a reminder to me of all of the pressures coming at us from every direction and how our goal, at the center of the chaos, is to help our families slow down.
Our goal, at the center of the chaos, is to help our families slow down.
As foster and adoptive parents, we need to be even more mindful of potential triggers that will almost certainly arise and the simple truth that our kiddos could feel a general sadness as they move through picking out a Halloween costume, not having grandma’s stuffing at Thanksgiving, or wondering what their biological parents are doing on Christmas morning. This can feel hard for us as parents when we’re putting in so much effort to make the holidays a memorable and enjoyable time for our family. Can we make space in our days to allow for some melt downs? Is there time to sit with our kiddos to ask them about the stories of their holiday memories? Can we give them an “out” when they say they don’t want to go to a party with a bunch of people? Can we plan the holiday season together so that everyone has a say in what’s important?
I asked a couple of my foster-and-adoptive-parent friends for their quick tips on getting through the holidays. Here’s what they said:
“Self-care is the most important thing for survival of the holidays. Don’t burn yourself out!”
– Denice (Aurora, CO)
“There’s always an abundance of things to do and things to buy. Less is more in this season! I also remember the culture shock that we put our foster kids through that first Christmas season.”
– Shantelle (Denver, CO)
So, off we go…We can do this! Give yourself and your family the gift of slowing down this year. Hugs and cheers from my family to yours. Happy Hallow-Thanks-Christma-Hannu-Kwa-New-Year to us all.
About the Author:
Kaleo George lives with her family in Arvada, Colorado and previously worked as an Adoption Specialist at The Adoption Exchange. In their six years as foster parents, Kaleo and her husband have welcomed a total of nine youth into their home.